Marriage-induced insanity: Coping with the damages of a non-nurturing spouse

• Published date: 18 April 2024
• Author: MIRIAM ADAHAN
• Publication title: Jerusalem Post, The: Web Edition Articles (Israel)

We cannot help but be affected by people's moods, words, and body language. The presence of an NNS, whether cold or contemptuous, makes us feel unsafe and scared. It's no fun to be with people who feel they are starved emotionally. The lack of loving connection and care can cause them to be angry, bitter, untrusting, anxious, depressed, and consumed with an inner pain few people will validate or even acknowledge. For true, unconditional love to exist, three elements must be present: consistent and mutual respect; trust and safety; and open, empathic communication. There can be no true "soul bond" if any one of these is missing. The Hebrew term for marriage is n'suin, from the words to "uplift and inspire." The Steipler Rav once stated, "A married woman whose husband is not supportive and understanding is a married widow." The pain of a widow is indescribable. The pain of a married widow/widower is even more intolerable, as there is little sympathy for their plight. People assume, "If you're married, that means someone cares for you." The reality is often quite the opposite

Dyslovia

Many assume that all people have the same capacity to love. This is not true. Whether due to personality disorders, such as narcissism or anti-social personality disorder, or traumas that made them distrust people, many individuals avoid emotional intimacy. They may view relationships only in terms of services they can provide, such as money, power, status, or physical intimacy. We might view them as suffering from dyslovia. Just as dyslexics reverse letters, dyslovics reverse the normal ways by which loving bonds are formed. Instead of trust, respect, and empathy, there is deceit, disrespect, or disinterest. Efforts to connect to such a person is like driving into a concrete wall, over and over again. It's hard to face the brutal truth: "The one who wants the relationship least is the one who controls it."Nurturers find it impossible to grasp this reality. They insist, "It can't be that they don't care! I will continue to forgive, overlook, shut up and put up because there must be a nugget of love there somewhere. I'm sure they'll appreciate me one day if I just persist in my efforts to get to that nugget, no matter how inconsiderate, critical, or disconnected they are."

Mind-blind

Non-nurturing people can display a wide range of behaviors, from mild oblivion to icy detachment and explosive rage. Even if they have no conscious or malicious intent to do harm, the pain is profound. Yet, it is useless to ask, "Don't you realize how hurt I felt when you made that derogatory remark about my___ (weight, looks, cooking, parenting skills, IQ, etc.) or compared me to someone who you think is richer, more attractive or has a more prestigious job? Don't you care how bad I feel when you call me stupid, ugly, selfish, crazy, disgusting, or incompetent?" It's like asking a reckless driver, "Don't you care that you drive like a maniac and endanger others?" Actually, they don't care. Caring people can't grasp this reality.

Dr...