How to get more Jewish singles married - opinion
| Published date | 11 October 2021 |
| Author | SHMULEY BOTEACH |
| Publication title | Jerusalem Post, The: Web Edition Articles (Israel) |
On Simhat Torah I went to Crown Heights, where I spoke at several shuls that boast large numbers of Chabad Jewish singles. Foremost among them was Chevra Ahavas Yisroel, run by Folli Tessler, and the Townhouse community, run by Yankee Pearson. Both had hundreds of people.
It was an eye-opener to see a Chabad singles scene. We were all raised in Chabad to have strict segregation between men and women, and matches were made by matchmakers. When I was in yeshiva, the thought of going to events with Chabad girls was a nonstarter.
But here's the problem. In a community that is now absolutely colossal and global, with tens of thousands of young people who are the products, thank God, of that high birth rate, how can one expect matchmakers – most of whom are volunteers and work on commissions paid for successful matches – to ever cope with the numbers?
In addition, matchmaking, in the words of a friend of mine, is a rigged system. It highlights qualities like pedigree, money and beauty, which do not accord with Jewish values. It would be nice if we could always rely on holy attributes like character, refinement and goodness coming to the fore in arranged dating. Unfortunately, we can't. The shidduch system, which I mostly believe in, has proven itself to be a hit-or-miss affair. It works for some. It doesn't work for many.
On Simhat Torah night I spoke to more than 500 Chabad singles. It was amazing. I spoke of the three kinds of love.
The first and lowest is exploitative love. It's where you love someone in a transactional way where each one gets something from the other. In dating, this represents people who marry based on similar education, background and future earning power.
The second kind of love is selfless yet selfish at the same time. You want to give to the other, but you enjoy seeing how your love impacts positively on them and how they appreciate you.
But the highest form of love is utterly altruistic. It's where you love someone and receive nothing in return. You simply celebrate the fact that the other person is, which is why, on Simhat Torah, we dance with a closed Torah. We are not celebrating the fact that the Torah enriches us intellectually or spiritually. We are simply celebrating the fact that the Torah is.
In dating, it represents our desire to devote...
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